Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
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