I accidentally had phone sex last night
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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