very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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