just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
