Your dad touched me again.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
