I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
