well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
