so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I think I just shit out all my problems.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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