Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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