do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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