Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Do you have feelings for this penis?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
