I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
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