tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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