Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
He passed out mid-signature
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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