There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
