Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
