becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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