i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
