everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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