Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
