I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
