I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
