Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
