People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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