i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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