The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
