If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
