Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
