I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Randomize
