i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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