I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
