the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
