My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
