His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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