i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
