My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
