I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
