new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
