It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
And then the night went full on bisexual.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
