Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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