What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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