There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
