How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
