I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
this boner is exhausting
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
