she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
