unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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