My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
