We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
