i wish peter jackson would direct porn
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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