i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
