Are we in a gay sports bar?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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