i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
