I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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